


The Past Can't Hurt Us (But God Damn If It Doesn't Try)

by Bagoftricks



Category: Gakuen Mokushiroku | Highschool of the Dead
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-17
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 02:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/806280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bagoftricks/pseuds/Bagoftricks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Probably what bothers her the most is that she can't turn back time and make so that none of this ever happened at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Past Can't Hurt Us (But God Damn If It Doesn't Try)

**Author's Note:**

> Written because there needs to be more Rika/Shizuka stuff out there. I mean, like, it's my OTP, guys, how inconsiderate can you be?? The audacity of you all.
> 
> Anyways this is my first fanwork for HOTD, and really I just wrote it because I get a lot of Rika/Shizuka feels all the time (I'm 1000% sure they're a thing, and that's not because I ship all of the females that's because of some other perfectly valid reason that makes sense. Like the fact that they're roommates, y'know, and the OVA just kind seals the deal and okay no I really just ship all of the ladies but I digress).  
> I need more people to share my love of Rika/Shizuka though, seriously. I mean there are only two (2!!!!) fics on here that I've found involving this beautiful ship and one of them hasn't even hit on it yet??  
> I am cry.  
> Ah well. When other people won't write it, that leaves you no choice but to do it yourself. Or wait until someone else does it.  
> Okay I'm gonna post this now okay whoo let's do this  
> (this is really nerve-wracking actually I usually keep stuff like this stored away forever but uh okay let's go give it a shot)

Years of training have conditioned Rika to always wake quietly. Even so, that doesn't stop a startled gasp from escaping her lips, the last horrid wisps of her dream floating away on her breath.  
It isn't much, but it is enough to cause Shizuka, mumbling sleepily and incoherently, to roll over and throw an arm over her chest, pull her close, nuzzle into the warmth of her neck. Rika is both panicked and comforted. Panicked, because when one wakes up from one nightmare and back into another it is difficult to ever be at ease; comforted, because at least one nightmare was fake, at least she's still alive, still okay. She lets out another breath- quiet, slow, steady- and turns her face into Shizuka's golden hair.  
Still alive, she reminds herself again. Both of them. Still alive.  
(If Rika believed in God, she would thank him, but it is hard to believe in anything but survival nowadays.)  
They're both still alive. Sure, there were plenty of close calls. Rika knows, because the kids travelling with Shizuka have told her plenty of horror stories (when Shizuka is too tired, or too inebriated, or not close enough in earshot to protest). Stories of when they were still in the school and Saeko Busujima had to rescue Shizuka from the nurse's office, an entire horde of Them beating at the windows. At the Takagi mansion, trying to get out while the biggest group of undead yet trampled the gates. Worse, at the mall, when some man tried to take advantage of her (Shizuka had been sleeping, head pillowed in her lap, when this particular story had been related to Rika, but the stiffening of her muscles, the sudden clench of Rika's hand around Shizuka's, had jolted her awake). Rika is glad she has found her, glad she can look out for her now.  
That's not to say Rika herself has never had death just barely pass her by. She can't even count on one hand the amount of times she almost kicked it just on her way to find Shizuka. But Shizuka will never hear about these; they are in the past. Can't hurt her anymore. Danger far away, unable to touch her for the moment. Telling Shizuka will do nothing but worry her, and she doesn't need that. She needs to sleep and eat and live her life without that clench of fear when the thought crops up that what if she hadn't made it back to her.  
Thoughts like this tend to keep Rika up at night. The useless fear of what could have happened won't leave her be. As if those moments can be relived, only with a different outcome. Revisited, and what if, what would Rika have done, how would she have handled such news if...  
And when these thoughts come to her, she rolls over, places a hand or an arm on Shizuka, just to make sure she's real, make sure she's still warm, still breathing, still alive. And sometimes, when she does this, Shizuka stirs and looks over at her, smiling at her through a haze of groggy confusion, and she'll scoot closer and kiss her with sleepy lips.  
And Rika will kiss her back and then pull away, press their foreheads together instead so that she can try to shudder out her fears, try to speak her thoughts. Try to find words to say she was worried, she is still worried, can't stop thinking about how scared she was when they were apart, how scared she still is, and they're together now but what if she can't protect her, what if they die or get infected or, or, or. And in the end, all Rika can say is, "Shizuka."  
And Shizuka will smile again, still sleepy, still spacey, but so full of love and understanding and she'll just answer, "I know."  
What's worse is when Rika is sleeping peacefully, no nightmares (no dreams either) to plague her. Just sweet, blank, dark, warm bliss that is shattered suddenly by a yelp, a cry, sometimes a scream, almost always thrashing. And Rika will instantly be back in the real world, any thought of sleep scrubbed from her mind, and she'll be forced to do nothing except maybe try to wake Shizuka up from her nightmare before Shizuka accidentally clocks her on the chin.  
When Rika succeeds in waking her up, Shizuka will stare at her, her face frozen in an expression of horror, eyes wide and glassy, mouth hanging open. And then the expression will shatter into a million pieces and Shizuka will break down sobbing and all Rika can do is hold her and try to calm her before her students wake up and come running in (because, Rika knows, that would just make Shizuka feel so much worse; she has such a strong attachment to them).  
In those moments, Rika swears she'll never let go of her again. She'll die before anything happens to her.  
Rika hates nights like that even more so than she hates nights where she is the one to sleep fitfully. She hates not being able to do anything for her. Sure, she can wake Shizuka up, bring her back to reality, but she can't fight the fears eating at her mind any more than Shizuka can deal with Rika's. And she realizes, then, that probably what bothers her the most is that she can't turn back time and make so that none of this ever happened at all. The terror they dream of is in the past, yet it somehow manages to cling to their ankles and drag itself behind them no matter how far ahead they move.  
"Rika..." Shizuka mumbles, shifting closer to her. She is half on top of Rika now (Rika isn't complaining), one leg having worked its way between Rika's and her arms clutching her in a comforting embrace. "Don't cry."  
"I'm not crying." Rika whispers back, but her throat is raspy and now that Shizuka mentions it, her cheeks do feel wet.  
"It's okay." Shizuka tries to kiss her cheek (she gets her ear instead). "I won't tell."  
"Go back to sleep." Rika raises a hand and places it in Shizuka's hair. Her fingers start a soft, rhythmic pattern across Shizuka's scalp. That always lulls her to sleep.  
"You too." Shizuka (tries to) order stubbornly. She is struggling to stay awake, but she is exhausted and she never could resist very long when Rika started learning more than just one way to use her fingers to bend Shizuka to her will.  
"Okay." Rika says, more to appease Shizuka than anything. She doesn't think she'll be able to get back to sleep.  
She is right. Shizuka drops off but Rika stares at the ceiling until the sun creeps up and shines through the boarded windows of Shintoko Third Elementary.  
She knows that she has bags under her eyes when the group meets for what small breakfast can be given them, but Shizuka says nothing about it (to her students' credit, they don't ask halfhearted questions either).  
She supposes it doesn't matter anyways. She can't sleep, but at least they're safe. She is scared, but at least she has Shizuka.  
(She can run on exhaustion and a false bravado for as long as she needs to as long as she has Shizuka. Worrying about what's past can keep her up for weeks at a time but she will never, ever let it phase her so long as Shizuka needs her. Because, the truth of it is, _Rika_ needs _her_.)


End file.
